he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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