Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
