I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
