Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
