I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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