In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
