I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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