the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
