Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
