dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
