the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
