I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i think i just lost a toe
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
