im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
