Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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