i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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