How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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