So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
