I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
