I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
