my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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