I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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