I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
