I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
