Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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