so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
