So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize