gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
