They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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