I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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