Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
tell your sister to shave her snatch
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
