I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
