In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
