I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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