one two three fourrrrnication!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
