I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
