I am puke
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
