bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
