worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
