I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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