Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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