Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
