Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Don't make out with my wife yet
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
