the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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