If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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