That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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