i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
