do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
