told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
