i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
