Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
