you would pick up someone in the library
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We're too hungover to prance.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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