There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
