my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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