he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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