i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
