i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When did angry sex become our thing?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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