Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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